On a snowy November day, my daughter Kit and I spent time organizing four boxes of Christmas tree decorations, dividing them between us. Kit, now living on her own, was eager to set up her own tree. Unpacking the ornaments brought back memories of loss and grief for children who were no longer part of our holiday celebrations.
Over eight years, our family grew and shrank with the arrival of 23 foster children. Many placements were temporary, and during this time, our two children joined our family through adoption. To my surprise, Kit remembered the stories behind each homemade ornament, even for those she had never met. It was eye-opening to realize that her holiday memories differed from mine.
As I uncovered a tree topper received during our first Christmas as newlyweds, memories flooded back. The crack in the angel ornament symbolized the fragility of our marriage, which eventually ended. Passing it to Kit, I wondered if she would want it in its delicate state. Her face lit up under her festive reindeer hat, showing her excitement to have it.
Reflecting on past foster children, I found a Santa sleigh and reindeer ornament made by an eight-year-old boy we once cared for. Emotions of grief and frustration resurfaced as I recalled the court’s decision not to make him a permanent ward. Despite the loss, we hoped he knew how much we cared for him.
Noticing my change in demeanor, Kit took the Santa decoration from me. She fondly remembered how I always placed it low on the tree so she could play with it. It was heartwarming to see her attachment to these ornaments, much like our foster children’s preference for watching movies together on Christmas Eve.
Creating inclusive holiday traditions for our foster children was important to us. Adjusting our family Christmas dinner dates allowed them to spend time with their families without feeling left out. We also started a tradition of gifting each child unique ornaments, giving them the choice to keep them as a memento when they left our home.
As I unpacked more ornaments, memories flooded back, including a reindeer ornament made of pompoms by one of our children. Dividing ornaments during my divorce years ago had taught me the value of fairness and equity, lessons that Kit seemed to have absorbed without me realizing.
Decorating the tree this year will be a different experience for me, as Kit’s joy and positivity are transforming my outlook. I look forward to seeing her tree and the new memories we will create together.